The bottom line is that we all struggle at times to be good parents. We all have many responsibilities and being a good parent often escapes our efforts. This page will lay down a summary of the Biblical passages that deal with parenting. There is reason to be hopeful as a parent. At least, the Bible says we there is.  

The key focus to Biblical parenting is that we train the heart of the child, not just their actions. Specifically, we want to train our heart of the child to love wisdom and discipline. According to the Bible, folly is bound up in the heart of a child. So we need to train not just their actions but their hearts. This subtle differentiation makes all the difference. We still desire that our children do the right thing, however, more important to Biblical parenting is a child whose heart loves wisdom, knowledge and discipline. A heart that loves wisdom has the greatest potential to influence our child even when we are not present. A wise child whose heart has been trained to love wisdom and discipline will have wings with which he can fly from the parent's nest into all that life will throw at them.

Benefits/Consequences: Our Hopes/Fears

According to the Bible, the benefits of good parenting could be listed as follows: happiness, love, clarity about life, glad parents, knowledge, glad hearts, a response to accusers, confidence, a refuge, glory and glad, happy children. Having spoken with many parents who raise their children according to Biblical models, I find that these benefits are reasonable expectations and that parents should not think them to be too lofty or too difficult to achieve by God's grace.

On the other hand, the Bible lists the consequences of having foolish children: Grief to the mother, stupidity, squandering of wealth, trouble, no joy, shame, accusations, grief to the father, bitterness to the mother, shame to the parents, violence to the father or even the mother being chased away. These consequences would be enough to make anyone think twice about having children in the first place, let alone raising them in an irresponsible manner.

If we are all honest, there are times when we feel both benefits and consequences in our parenting styles. There are times when we are confused about what we are trying to accomplish and how we should parent. We wonder if we are just being bad parents, or is it inevitable that our children will just end up poorly.

Again, there is much reason to be hopeful. The Bible answers all of these concerns quite effectively. Not that by reading them we would all be suddenly perfect parents. Nevertheless, if we are willing to let the Bible's words change our hearts and actions, we will find greater levels of satisfaction in the process.

Goals

What then are the reasonable goals of parenting? According to scripture, they could be listed as: children with a wise heart, lips that speak what is right, who love discipline and knowledge, who are prudent, who listen to instruction and are submissive and respectful, who love wisdom, who lead a righteous life worthy of God, who pursue right actions, who do not stray from these when they are old and who have an inheritance. You might be discouraged that these goals are too high. However, the key is remembering that our goal as parents is children who, when they have grown, are all of these things. As one parent said, our task is not ever over. We must choose to persistently continue to work toward these goals. Furthermore, God gives grace to those who ask; we will need it!

Having a goal that is clear makes a difference. Before reading this any further it might be wise to take the time to tell the Lord that you accept the Biblical goals for parenting as your own. Tell God that you will need His strength and wisdom to attain those goals. Rest assured that God will aid you.

Parental Attitudes

Though, the Bible lists clear actions that a parent should take with their child, before we list those we must note the attitudes it says that a parent should have. The three main attitudes that a parent should have when parenting are: 1. Love for their child, 2. Delight in their child and 3. Diligence. Parenting cannot happen effectively in an environment where the child does not sense the parents love and delight. Delight is a beautiful word. A child knows when their parent really does delight in them. Let your child see, hear, know your love and delight in them!

Furthermore, diligence is central. The point is that parenting will take a long time and we cannot become discouraged and impatient. Rather, we need to be diligent and prepare for the long haul. It is not easy. It requires focus and constant attention. Remember the rewards are worth the effort. What will motivate diligence is genuine delight in and love for our child. Just like God has for us!

Parental Tools

Having laid a clear attitude context for the Biblical actions of a parent let's lay them out: discipline, rebuke, command, train, spank, manage, wound, bind up, strike, heal, urge, encourage, plead and punish. The difficulty here for the parent is feeling as though all they do with their child is negative things. That is why listing these actions is so helpful. The fact is that we will do more disciplining via rebuke and spanking than we might like. However, if done in the right attitude, the benefits already laid out are sufficient to warrant such diligence.

Yes, sometimes we do need to spank. In fact, we are told in scripture to not spare the rod. We are not to be sparing but use the rod as often as needed. Contrary to popular opinion, this won't wound the child for life but rather will build into the child tremendous internal strength. When done, not in anger, but in loving diligence, the memory for the child is not negative but rather instructive. It was for me!

However, the words for rebuke and chastise appear twice as many times as the words for spank. Our instructing and communicating what is right and wrong both ahead of time and as a rebuke afterward should be constant. We need to be verbally clear with our children. What is right and wrong and why. They need to hear this over and over and over.

Again, we need to be encouraged to not become weary in doing these things. Rather, as we are diligent and faithful we have much reason to hope for good.

What not to do

However, there are several things that a parent should not do according to the Bible. The parent must not neglect their child, spare the rod, withhold discipline or exasperate the child. The danger for the parent is that they would get frustrated with the need for constancy and show neglect by sparing the rod and withholding discipline and rebuke. Neglect is tremendously damaging to our children.

On the other hand, exasparation is also a huge danger. When a child is provoked to anger by the parent it is called exasperating the child. This is quite hurtful to the childs long-term emotional health. According to scripture the child will lose heart if exasperated by their parent too often. As parents, we must not provoke our children to anger. We must recognize their limitations and not abuse them in this way. We must not ask them to do more than they are capable of doing. Rather, we must show wisdom and be patient with them.

About the Parent

This brings us to the question of what kind of parent it takes to raise wise children. The Bible describes a good parent as: full of integrity, financially disciplined, submissive to God's discipline, one who loves and delights in their child, diligent to discipline, hopeful, not provocative, an instructor, accepting of their child, a lover of knowledge, one who fears the Lord and a good manager of their home. They are to ackknowledge that God disciplines them the same way that a child is disciplined by a parent. It could be said that the parent should be everything that they desire their child to be. Thank God for His Grace!

Integrity is central. All children come to know their parents faults in a very intimate way. This is inevitable. If there is not integrity in their parent a child will tend to be unhappy. The hypocrisy will lead to a child's unhappiness. Integrity, on the other hand, will result in happy children. Integrity could be defined as doing what you say you will do and taking responsibility for your own shortcomings. Don't raise unhappy children by being a hypocrite.

Training the Child to Respond to Discipline

We now come full circle back to the child. The fact is that a child must be taught to respond to their parent's discipline appropriately. They need to be encouraged to not despise discipline, not become weary with discipline, not to lose heart, and not to lightly regard discipline. This is part of the discipline process. A child should not be allowed to develop a bad attitude toward discipline but actually be trained in receiving discipline from their parents.

That is right, even a childs response to discipline can be trained. This should be very encouraging to a parent. This should not be taken lightly. If the child is not trained to respond to discipline then they will not know how to respond. In which case, we parents will be as frustrated as they.

Of course, we must continue to take the long view and not be discouraged when our children regress. In the end, they will turn out right!

Well, the final question about parenting would be what precisely we would teach our children. We have discussed benefits and actions and parental attitudes and attributes. However, what precisely would we teach our children?

What to Teach

The Bible says that we should teach our children wisdom. More specifically it mentions scriptural commands, obedience to authority and faithful friendship. The bottom line is that we should each personally become wise by studying scripture and asking God to change our perspectives and actions. Then we should teach our children what we have learned about wisdom.

Summary

In summary, our ultimate goal is a child whose heart has been trained to be wise. We use discipline, rebuke and spanking in a context of love and delight and diligence. While modeling for our children wisdom and integrity, we train them in wisdom. Being careful to not exasperate our children we diligently, patiently mold them. We have much reason to hope that we will be successful! Scripture is clear. Our greatest hope is that our children will be led by wisdom to see Christs forgiveness for their sins and accept His salvation and Lordship. God Bless!